All My life's a circle -by MOM

[friend]

Many of you know that Leif was one of twins. His twin died in utero at about 4 months of age and I miscarried. I still felt pregnant and refused to have the recommended D&C. When the bleeding stopped, Chuck took me to OHSU where they had a "new" technique, ultra sound. Sure enough there were 2 sacs -One with Leif and one empty. They did an amniocentesis ( collecting a little bit of the fluid from Leif's sac) and it looked like India Ink and had a high afp - a marker for nervous system abnormality. Again I refused a D&C and carried Leif to term. He was my easiest delivery, but after he was born he lay next to me and just looked at me for hours, never nursing. Because of impending weather in the mountains they sent us home anyway and by the next day Leif and I were in ICU at our local hospital, feeding him with a tube since he still was listless and would not nurse. So back up to the neonatal intensive Care unit at OHSU. We named him in the car on the way up, he couldn't stay Baby boy Stringham. He still had to be fed by tube, but after a number of unsuccessful attempts at a spinal tap he finally began to protest. They never did get the spinal tap, but put him on antibiotics and he began to improve. When he was 4 days old Chuck called from Lincoln City and said that Lars was awake at 2 am and asked if Leif and Mom were in the hospital like his beloved grandma (Helen) who had died 3 weeks before in the hospital. Chuck immediately brought Lars up to see us to reassure him that Lief and I were alive. I think he was in ICU for days 2-8 of his young life. He bore the scars on his heels from heel sticks to get blood into adulthood. Leif used to say that he always felt that he was missing his other half. Now he again lies in ICU being fed with a tube. A circle, leading back to the beginning, but incredibly thankful for all the life in between. He lived life with such passion and caring rarely judging and always loving. I miss him

MOM

[philklaboe]

I remember Leif telling me about all this. I spent most of the day thinking about Leif. I still am having a hard time accepting this. I just don't know. He was such a big part of my life and our future. Kids, camping, vacations, pool, companionship...It seems like it has all been taking away...Why? I wish it made some kind of sense. Maybe in time, I dunno...